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Mormon missionaries exit Turkey

7/28/2016

Mormon Church performs Turkey trot

The LDS Church, aka the Mormon Church, aka “the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased,” has transferred its missionaries serving in Turkey to Germany. Here is the church’s statement:

The Church has transferred 15 young volunteers serving in Turkey to Germany, where they will continue their service among the Turkish-speaking population of Berlin. We anticipate these volunteers will return when conditions in Turkey normalize. Our prayers are with the people of Turkey and with our Church members who live there.

We wish to clarify that by “young volunteers” the church means “proselytizing missionaries likely to get their heads blown off for annoying people about religion at the worst possible time and place.”

So, kudos to the church for getting the kids the hell out of there.

It seems we live in an age when an all-powerful, all-knowing god of miracles buys his missionaries plane tickets instead of showing the world what’s what by protecting them where they stand. He seems to have had a policy change since that little matter involving the 2,000 stripling warriors.

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Just in case you missed the first Meet the Mormons movie

7/15/2016

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Now you can meet even MORE Mormons

TWO YEARS AGO, the Mormon Church produced and released in theaters a film called Meet the Mormons. It’s pretty much what you’d expect from a documentary that a proselytizing church would make about itself. There’s no need to rue your bad luck if you missed it. You can see it in 28 different languages on YouTube and Netflix.

Better yet, you can take in three, all-new, 20-minute sequels with the highly compelling title, Meet the Mormons: New Faces/New Stories. Unlike the original, these shorts won’t be shown in theaters, but for free in Mormon visitors centers around the world. On a positive note, you won’t have to pay for a ticket.

We can only assume that, since the release of the 2014 film, the public has been crying out to meet even more Mormons. A church press release reports that the original film “... was one of the top 35 highest-earning documentary films of all time.” This is less surprising when you consider that rank-and-file Mormons are an obedient lot, and that Church leaders encouraged the faithful to fill theater seats with themselves, their families, and their friends. Of the last, it’s quite possible that a significant number no longer consider themselves “friends.”

According to an article in The Salt Lake Tribune, producer-director Blair Treu said the purpose of the films “... was not to proselytize or explain church beliefs.” Of course. The only conceivable reason a famously proselytizing church would make a movie about itself is, per Treu, “... to offer a glimpse of who [Mormons] are.” The Mormon Church hoping their films will make converts? Perish the thought.

Treu said that another goal in making the films was “... to be very authentic.” Apparently, authenticity can be achieved without a look at children of gay parents who are refused baptism; members who are deeply troubled by quietly-released church disclosures about race, polygamy, and continually-changing backstories pertaining to church history and Mormon scriptures; church members who are struggling financially while pressured to give ten percent of their income to the church; and women who want to know why only men can be ordained to the Mormon priesthood. Besides stuff like that, we’re sure it’s way authentic.

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Balaam and his talking ass

7/10/2016

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Today’s uplifting lesson from the Bible

Never Argue with a Donkey

─ Balaam and His Talking Ass ─
(Numbers 22)

ONE FINE DAY, a prophet by the name of Balaam set out for a ride upon his donkey. God didn’t approve of the route Balaam chose, so he sent an angel armed with a sword to stand in the way. Just one problem. Balaam couldn’t see the angel. Only the donkey could.

No fool, that donkey. She stopped right in her tracks. As for Balaam, he was oblivious to the angel and sword, so he began beating her. So God permitted the donkey to speak, and she used her gift to ask Balaam why he was beating her. There is no record that she asked him to stop; only that she asked why. Balaam explained that he was beating her because she was uncooperative. He added that if he had a sword he’d go one better and kill her.

Funny he should bring up swords. At that moment, God revealed the angel, sword and all, to Balaam. Whereupon Balaam did the honorable thing. He groveled before the angel.

Here’s the confusing part. If your donkey started arguing with you, do you suppose you would argue back as Balaam did? Or would you say “Holy crap, a talking donkey,” put together an act, take it on the road, and make a fortune?

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Mormon missionaries exit Turkey

Mormon Church performs Turkey trot

Just in case you missed the first Meet the Mormons movie

Now you can meet ​even MORE Mormons

Balaam and his talking ass

Never Argue with a Donkey

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Now you can meet even MORE Mormons